I Am A Failure

Sometimes I feel like I fail more than succeed at this motherhood gig.

I lose my patience.
I let Carsen watch too much TV.
I don’t spend enough quality time with him.
He doesn’t eat well every meal.
I don’t get out of my pajamas every day.
We don’t get out and explore nature like everyone else does.

My husband hates me.
Everyone hates me.
I’m a failure.

I don’t know where it comes from.
I never struggled like this when I was single.
Maybe self doubt as a mother is a part of the curse that I just skimmed over in Genesis.

Whatever it is, it eats at me and it’s a daily battle to recalibrate my thinking.
DAILY.

The other night as I tried to fall asleep (I struggle with Parenthood insomnia - if that’s even a thing) and block out the self doubt, I realized something. One of the biggest things I pray and hope for my son, is that he always remembers what Jesus thinks of him.

People will disappoint.
At some point I will disappoint Carsen.
His father will disappoint him.
His friends.
His wife.
His boss.

But in the midst of all of that, my prayer is that Carsen would never find his identity in the people of this earth, but look to the Lord and remember he is a son of the King. Royalty. Worthy of God’s love. And that the opinion of God is the only thing Carsen should be concerned with.

When did I forget this for myself?
When did I start to compare myself to other mommas?
When did I start to care if others liked me or not?

I’m guessing about 2.5 years ago when my hormones went C.R.A.Z.Y.
And somehow along the way I forgot God’s opinion of me.
I forgot to look to Him for my identity.

Because tonight I did.
I turned to the Lord and asked Him what He thought of me.
As an individual.
As a wife.
As a momma.

And it was good.
He said I was good.
No I’m not perfect.
But, in spite of my imperfection, He finds me enough.
He finds me worthily.
He finds me lovely.
He finds me worth loving.
And most of the stuff I mentioned at the top that I believed, wasn’t even true.

May my son, in the midst of both hardship and joy, know who he is in Christ and that his God sees him as worthy and loved.

I am a failure enough.
Son, you are enough.